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Playing Back a Thousand Memories

…And I’m led to the question: Who am I really? Am I really the girl that’s shy and quiet, can’t control her emotions, a bit too crazy for to be an average person? The one that can’t stop rambling when she starts? The girl with hardly any friend? The girl that never talks one moment, and then all over the place the next? The socially awkward one?The girl that acts so differently depending on her mood? The bookworm? The girl that hates sport? The girl… the list drags on. And as I was playing back those thousands of memories, as if it was a tape… I think. No. That’s not me? So who am I? _insert my full name here_? Kiwi? Just… one of the many people living in the world? I mean sure. I’m me. You’re you…. but who am I? To be really fully honest… I just. I. Don’t know.

And… and my memories are all blurred. I can’t seem to remember happy things. Maybe I’m too depressed. And when I try to think about all those happy things- they make me even more sad. Like, I think about my past NaNo’s. But then I remember how bad I really am. That I can’t seem to write anything- apart from ranting. And whenever I say: ‘Tomorrow will be better.’ It never is. I try, man, I really do try, to be happy. And I can be happy sometimes. A little too happy. It’s like I use up all my happiness in one big chunk, and then left without, suffering with being unhappy- for so, so long. And how does this link to my memories? And recognising who I am? Well it does- it entirely does. Even if I’m the only person that thinks this- the whole thing links up. It’s confusing, but sure.

Then whenever I think about the past, present and future… Let’s just say the past first, I can’t remember half of my past. When I was just a little kid, learning to talk… I have snippets of memories. Those were good happy times. And the present? Well the present seems to be dragging on and on, and at the same time as I always say ‘the year went by so fast’.. I think about the things I’ve done, and well. Every day seems to be the same. A movie playing on repeat. I do this. Then this. Then that. And then this again. Repeat 365 days. New year. Do this, that, this….

And then I remember. Those times, sometimes, when I’m scrambling for a pen or pencil, anything to jot down my thoughts, to write, my fingers pitter pattering on to the keyboard, my hands aching from writing so much. But those memories feel like such a long time ago. Even if it hasn’t been that long. Cause, like in my new year post I said- I can’t seem to write anything.

And so all I’m left with is… An unhappy girl that doesn’t know who she is thinks all the good times are over…

I don’t know. I just don’t know. This rant didn’t probably even make any sense. I. I just. And I always have to put on a brave face. But. I’m not brave on the inside. No. I want things to get better. I’m trying. I really am. But my new memories aren’t as good as my old. And I want them to be. But they aren’t.  Maybe I just need to try harder. But I’ve tried so hard. So, so hard. Don’t give up, I tell myself. And I won’t. It feels good- getting all this out of me. Maybe now I can be happy. I’ll try.

 

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35 thoughts on “Playing Back a Thousand Memories

  1. …this is how I feel, Kiwi. Seriously, I feel like this, sometimes, a lot. I’m not really sure I ever forget the good things (except, when I’m really, really emotional I can’t think of them), but every day seems to just… blur together. Honestly, I can’t remember what I ate for lunch yesterday. Or the day before.

    I can’t answer that question, either, about myself. Who AM I?

  2. Aw, Kiwi. *huggles* ((Argh, darn spell check; it says “aren’t” isn’t spelled correctly. But it is!)) Some nights I think about all of this stuff too, why life will go in circles. Why isn’t life interesting and happy right now? Why does it have to follow the boring monotone that it is going through? Wake up. Go to school. Do homework. Write. Go on the internet. Eat dinner. Go to sleep. Repeat. Repeat. Repeat + 362 days (363 if it is a leap year). I mean, come on! It sounds so boring.

    There’s this quote on Discovery Girls, which is a tween magazine here in the US. And on their blog, they once posted this quote that said, “Don’t rush life for the exciting things to happen, because some of the most exciting moments will happen when you least expect them.” Exciting, happy memories will come, even if they do seem far off.

    But if patience doesn’t come so naturally to you… then why don’t you make your life interesting and get out of that tedious routine! Go and bake a cake. (Not Cake from NaNo—I haven’t seen them in a long time, though.) Soak in the sunshine. Visit a museum. Give back. If you help and give back, it makes you and the person you are helping feel happier. Ride your bike. Even take a whole week or month off of your laptop! I’m taking theater, so I can’t go on NaNo as much, but every single day of theater, it’s always different, while being online is the same thing day to day. Just go out there and live life the way that we are supposed to live life.

    Stay strong and wonderful, and I hope things work out!
    xoxo Morning

    • Thanks Morning, I feel a bit better now, and I’ve been trying to try and do more things lately like you said, which has helped. Spending time with my budgies has helped in some way as well. I’m also starting a new novel, and writing is something I love so hopefully it will only be good. Ah yes, I miss seeing you on NaNo so much, and lately I’ve been going on there WAY too much.

      Theatre huh? I’ve always liked that- and yes I agree with you. Again thank you so much Morning… you are wonderful.
      Love, Kiwi.

  3. You are nothing and you are everything.
    You are a jumble of atoms, but no, there’s more.
    You are a being with life in your soul and so many things awaiting you.
    Life seems like it’s droaning on, and yes, it may be, but there are these little moments, small as crumbs, when you will be happy.
    Catch those moments, and remember them. They will set you free–from what, I don’t know, but there must be something.
    I would say “you’re special,” but that’s not very satisfying, is it? Because everyone is special, so how is being special special? But just know that, whether you are special or not, people love you.
    And who you are? No one knows, and no one will ever. How do we define it? What exactly is the answer we are looking for? The answer is out there, some might think. So they go and adventure, taking risks, but never finding out who they are.
    Because the answer is not out there. It’s somewhere buried deep inside yourself.
    -V (I wish to remain anonymous, but you know who I am even if you don’t know that it was me who wrote this)
    (or should I say, you don’t know who I am)
    (hopefully I’m not recognizable from my terrible try at inspirational rants and from my half-hoping that this may be so good that I end up famous for it somehow)

    • Dear Friend,
      If I know who you are, I’m sure you’d count as one. Thank you so much for this comment. You’re right, and that was just plain wonderful.
      I won’t pester you asking who you are. I faintly recogonise your way to speaking, …I think, heheh. I’m fairly sure that you’re from NaNo though, and I have a few ideas of who you are… *suspicious grin*
      Again thank you.
      -Kiwi, or whatever other nickname you call me by. 😀

  4. Aw. 😀 No problem.

    Oh no…xD Yes, I am from NaNo (or maybe not > : D).

    No, thank you for being amazing.

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